Asking for What You Want in Bed

The best way to get what you want in bed is to ask for it. However before you can ask for what it is you want, you need to know what you want. This may sound simple.

And yet, because we grew up with little or no sex education, and live in a society where sex is not talked about often, the conversation about sex and sexuality is a difficult one to raise for most people — even between married couples.

Learn what to ask, how to ask it, and improve your love life!

Reality Check

More than ever, we are exposed to sexual images in the media. This might create the expectation that great sex life is easy to attain.

The first step to starting to have good sexual communication is acknowledging that it is one of the most difficult things to achieve in a relationship, because of the desire not to hurt, impose upon, or (gasp!) inconvenience your partner.

Without honesty, patience, and the ability to be vulnerable, it is not possible to let your loved one know what you like in bed. Also, because your desires and preferences may change over time, sexual communication must be an ever-evolving process.

couple kissing

Examine Your Sexual Pattern

We are all unique in the way we like to be touched. What one person feels is going to be quite different from the next – from the type of touch, frequency of touch, to intensity and stimulation.

The next step is not to presume what your partner likes and that just because something feels good one day does not mean it will be the same during every sexual experience. Examine your current sexual pattern. In other words, what is usually happening during love making? How about mixing up the order? Or possibly trying one new thing each time you have sex – varying the location, position, or attire? Just one!

Ask the Right Questions

It can be a turn-off and annoying to answer questions every time one has sex. So experiment with when and how you ask those questions and what works best. Explain why you are asking those questions – because you care and want to better please your partner. When you make the effort, your partner is likely to reciprocate by paying more attention to your desires.

Begin by touching your partner gently and, while you’re doing so, asking what feels good: ‘Do you enjoy having your nipples squeezed?’ ‘Do you like your neck nibbled upon?’ ‘Is this enough pressure?’

Be Open Minded and Non-Judgmental

We want to feel that our desires are normal and acceptable. Since your partner loves you, your opinion of their sexual desires plays a bigger role than you might realise. You can also help by touching your partner in a way that feels good to them. While you shouldn’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, remember that you shouldn’t make a loved one feel odd or unclean for enjoying those forms of arousal.

Once again, remember that sexual communication is an ongoing process. Improving how one can speak about love-making will increase the closeness of the relationship and make it a happier one!

By Dr Martha Lee, Eros Coaching.

Dr Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. A certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality, she provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events.

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