We all say we want more intimacy in our lives. Did you know intimacy is much more than just having sex with your spouse? Now that the baby is here, do you appreciate sexual intercourse as a way to reconnect with your spouse and have mutual pleasure and satisfaction?
Couple intimacy is about the ability to share one’s fears, dreams and pains. It is about being connected, even from across a room of strangers. Sex without intimacy eventually becomes shallow and unfulfilling. If intimacy is not nurtured, the relationship will wither and die over time.
The deeper your intimacy is in your relationship the more explosive and satisfying the sex will be. When sex is explosive and mind-blowing, it cements you to your lover in a very powerful way, and thus opens the door for more intimacy. Thus, intimacy and great sex feed each other.
Women need to feel loved, valued, special, intimate and listened to by their partner for sex to be at its best. If she feels these things, she will desire her lover more deeply and be more willing to pleasure her lover in the way he desires. Men also need intimacy, but may not be as aware of this need and it may not be as evident to them in the context of sex.
A lot of relationships fall apart or sex is not very good anymore because couples have fallen into a rut and begun to take each other for granted. Also any kind of abuse – whether physical, emotional, physiological – does affect intimacy. Once the intellectual and emotional sharing in the relationship stops, intimacy and passion in sex will end soon after.
Sharing makes you vulnerable and can feel extremely risky and scar. Most people don’t like that and intentionally avoid being vulnerable – perhaps by keeping themselves busy with their career — and thereby run away from intimacy. Also, because you value and cherish the opinion of your spouse, or know your spouse so well that you can anticipate what he or she might say, you refrain from sharing for fear of the reaction and judgment.
When you open up, you create instant intimacy. Try revealing what is personal to you, and then ask him to do the same in return. You could trade sexual fantasies, share what you like in bed, or just reveal something that scares you or that you have always dreamed of doing. This will bring you closer and also decrease his fears of romance.
Couple Intimacy has to do with your daily communication–from the way you address each other, how you apologize when at fault, how open you are with most of your daily dealings to the kind of friends that you keep. The first thing is to acknowledge this as a couple, and be conscious of the words you are using and what they mean.
Couples do not need to struggle and suffer in silence. Couples can get a trained professional like myself to help with more authentic intimacy. Afterall we make time for what is important to us. By building intimacy, expressing affection and love, you can begin rediscovering each other and your needs and desires more deeply. You can recapture the same passion and excitement that you felt earlier in your relationship.
By Dr Martha Lee
Dr Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. A certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality, she provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events.
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