It’s February – the romantic month. Rather than getting caught up in buying lavish presents, which might actually mean little in the long run, how about going within yourselves and reconnecting with each other consciously? How would you like to rekindle your romance through authentic touch? Through mindful touching, your flames of passion can burn once again this Valentine’s Day.
There are four essential types of touching:
In this touch, you are essentially delivering the kind of touch, which your partner likes based on their explicit request – to the right part of the body and how it should be done; including the grip and strength. This may be a back rub, shoulder massage, or body cradle. The giver’s intention is to be generous and to nurture the recipient. Givers can solicit feedback from the receiver, so they can improve their techniques.
Conversely, the other person is being given touch and actively receiving touch. The receiver’s role is to be open in experiencing pleasure through being touched. Expressions of pleasure, such as smiling and making noises, as well as gratitude to the giver, will reinforce that the touch is desirable and wanted. It is important the receiver learns to understand their own body’s responses. Receivers may give feedback to the giver so the touch can be even better next time.
With this touch, the absorber is the one doing the touching, while the one being touched is the ‘allower’. The absorber is focused on what he or she can feel through touching, rather than giving what the allower wants. There is still authentic consent while the absorber is activating the muscles of their body through for instance, the use of the back of the arm, wrist, hand, palm and fingertips. The absorber’s role is to enjoy the range of pleasure possible through the physical connection.
The person being touched is allowing to be touched by the absorber without judgment or evaluation. In surrendering, the person allowing can effectively “melt” into taking the touch right into his or her body, and essentially be able to attain an even deeper state of relaxation. This surrender may take place not just physically, but also mentally.
Benefits of Conscious Touching
To ask: We become fixed in giving the type of touch which we think our partner likes, wants, or had asked for before. We forget that needs, wants and desires can change. Sometimes, we ourselves, get caught up with what we are used to – and forget to ask.
To receive: One partner is usually more comfortable giving than receiving. Through deliberate practice, it is possible to become more comfortable with receiving and asking for what is a more pleasurable touch.
To explore: Absorbing reminds us that it is also important to give the touch we like and to experience pleasure through the touches we enjoy giving our partners. In practising absorbing touching, we are nudged into remembering the joy of an exploratory touch.
To come alive: Absorbing and allowing touches allow us to feel more sensation in our bodies. When we feel more, and when we can also feel the pleasure of touching our partner, this is when the “magic” happens.
Practising these four different types of touch will clarify how you relate with your partner. Conscious connecting will bring a new level of presence and sensuality to all your touches together. Go reach out and touch today.
This article was first published in The New Age Parents e-magazine.
By Dr Martha Lee
Dr. Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexuality educator with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), as well as a certified sexologist with ACS (American College of Sexologists). She holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, as well as certificates in practical counselling, life coaching, and sex therapy..
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