It goes without saying that what is mind-blowing sex to me may not be such for you. Also, what works sexually for me might not work for others. So, how can one actually define what is ‘the best’ sex or ‘great’ sex? Apparently, some brave scientists have attempted to answer this age-old question.

Peggy Kleinplatz at the University of Ottawa and A. Dana Ménard of Carleton University have found six major themes of what makes for ‘great sex’ or optimal sexuality. These may be the building blocks toward the farther reaches of human erotic potential and consist of: being present, authenticity, intense emotional connection, sexual and erotic intimacy, communication, and transcendence.

Ponder upon them so that you might be closer to your goal on your path to nirvana:

1. Being present

The most predominant and fully articulated characteristic of great sex was of being “fully present” and “totally absorbed in the moment.” One is definitely not thinking of work, checking off the To-do list for the day or worrying about the kids. You just are enjoying each moment for what it is, including all the sensations running through your body.

2. Authenticity

This refers to the ability to be themselves, feeling free to be themselves with their partners, and being relentlessly honest with themselves. The very act of being honest and open to one’s own desires is freeing and energizing, as well as powerful. When one is open and increasing in self-knowledge, the opportunities for self-growth also increase. Participants could not have said it better in sharing: “Sexual encounters provide a unique and treasured opportunity for growth, for welcoming of unknowns, with the partner acting as a catalyst to affect self-discovery.”

3. Intense emotional connection

Whether in long-term or other relationships, all great sex involved a powerful sense of intimate engagement. All participants stated that intense emotional contact for the duration of the encounter was an integral aspect of great sex. The degree of connection, energy, “alignment” or “conductivity” between the persons all determined how great the sex could be. This includes having trust, cherishing one another, sharing, accepting, validating, and feeling “as much desired as desiring”.

4. Sexual and erotic intimacy

This relates to the importance of a deep sense of caring for one another, regardless of the duration of the relationship. Intimacy was seen as making an exponential difference. Sexual intimacy was predicated on an emotional bond and was seen as instrumental in sexual bonding.

5. Communication

For most participants, great sex required excellent communication and was seen as crucial to the success of a sexual encounter. They spoke in terms of the abilities to listen, respond, being able to give and to receive feedback, be nonjudgmental, organize information and having the ability to give positive regard, thereby, “making people inspired to give back more”. There was also the ability to read the partner’s response via one’s own body, specifically via touch.

6. Transcendence

Great sex appears to involve a combination of heightened altered mental, emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual states in unison. This meant being awash in “awe”, “ecstasy”, “bliss”, “peace”, and “the sublime”. Sexual intercourse was regarded as a metaphor for the “ultimate form of merging”.

Home assignment:

1. Share this article with your partner and discuss which of the above areas are working for you and which ones could be improved.
2. Brainstorm about what could make your sex life sizzle more.
3. Decide on one option and agree on a date and time to carry out your idea.
4. Carry out, evaluate and restrategise. Have fun!

By Dr Martha Lee, Eros Coaching.

Dr Martha Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. A certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality, she provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events.

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