Dear Diary,

It’s been chaotic at home ever since we came home from the hospital.

Matthias kept crying non-stop on his first night and I don’t know how to settle him. No one told me that it’s going to be like this on the first night! I tried patting him on the bed, patting him on the rocking chair, patting him while walking around and even nursing him lying down but nothing worked! I really didn’t want to use the pacifier that we bought as standbys, but it was calling out to me to use it. And I succumbed. It helped Matthias to calm down a little but then he started wailing again within an hour. Oh man, there he goes again.

Ever since delivery, I find it hard to focus my mind as my attention is always on the clock, baby monitor and the baby. Oh and I wonder too if there’s anything wrong with me. I always cry whenever the evenings are here, and the fears of an unsettled crying baby will grip my heart. My eyes are always on the clock and I would get startled whenever the baby monitor flashes with the blue lights! My doctor called this the postnatal blues, and it’s something I cannot control. I am just thankful my mom who has been around in the day to cook and be with Matthias so that I can get my shower and my rest needed.

Did I mention that entrusting my baby with my husband, Johnson, is also as challenging?

I never knew I had this issue until Matthias came along. I had to almost constantly remind myself that my husband is also his father and that I have to learn to trust Matthias with him. My heart races each time he brings Matthias for a bath, for I fear that he may drown him. It was only until my mentor corrected me that it is an irrational fear, because babies have been living in the water in my womb for the past 37 weeks!

In fact, they are better swimmers than us. I will always run into the room to spot check whenever Matthias cries with Johnson, to realize that my husband is doing an awesome job managing Matthias. As the days go by, it is actually pretty breathtaking sight seeing how Johnson is, with Matthias. It further affirms my decision of letting Johnson share the responsibilities of caring for Matthias at home, and not intervening when it is his time and duty.

Oh also, it’s funny too how I get all the stares and shaking of the heads as if I’m the worst parent ever whenever Matthias fusses in the public. I do wish they remember that children would cry or fuss, and that doesn’t mean that they are naughty, but because they are unable to express themselves. I remember Matthias getting scolded by a stranger and called “naughty boy!” when he was just sitting in his stroller, biting his toy. Now that I have sufficient experiences of people calling Matthias naughty with or without an apparent reason, I have learnt to confidently speak up and protect my child politely, “No, he is NOT naughty.”

Yes I know I am a new mom and I am still learning to care for my baby.

Yet it doesn’t mean that I am clueless to begin with, as I’ve done my homework prior delivery.

So please help me by encouraging me because that will give me more confidence in caring for my little one.

Thank you.

Yours Sincerely,
A first time mom

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